Chapter II - Mary: The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me
It was early fall of the year 1955 and I had recently returned from ROTC summer camp at Fort Lewis, Washington. One of my buddies talked me into going on a blind date with a young lady named Mary Douglas.
The first date seemed to be a success since I was impressed with her and she agreed to go on a second date. We continued our dating for a couple of months and then one night I asked her to marry me. Mary kind of laughed at the idea that night but on our next date she accepted my proposal and we were married on December 17th 1955.
The importance of Mary in my life is illustrated in our Love Story, The Power of Love, which I wrote shortly after her death.
The Power of Love
The love story that you are about to read, entitled The Power of Love, describes the love that has bonded and continues to bond my wife Mary and I together in what we hope will be an eternal marriage.
I first started to write this love story several years ago but distractions seemed to preclude my completing the job. However, several months after Mary's death I was again motivated to write. This time the words flowed as if by magic. What you will read is inspired and the message embodied is appropriate to every marriage.
Perhaps the greatest mystery of the human experience is The Power of Love, as it exists between a man and a woman. This magic, which is both physical and emotional, is expressed in the lyrics of the song of the same name which you listened to as you enjoyed a picture of a beautiful Australian sunset.
The design of mortality seems to be an endless number of problems sprinkled with a few joyous interludes or vistas. Happiness during mortality is a function of how we deal with problems and how we experience joy. The ultimate joy is experienced through the magic of love. To appreciate this love consider the feelings of a mother and father at the birth of their first child. You can see that joyous love in their eyes.
The power of love is an amazing thing and I want to describe the manifestations of that love as it existed and continues to exist between me and my wife Mary.
Mary and I met on a blind date shortly after I returned from ROTC Summer Camp at Ft. Lewis, Washington in the year 1955. I was barely 21 and Mary was still 20. Romance seemed to flourish, after all her kisses were sweeter than honey, and it wasn't long before I proposed marriage. She told me later that she laughed at the idea that night, but on our next date she accepted my proposal. Mary's parents granted us permission and we were married in Las Vegas, Nevada on December, 17, 1955, thirteen days before Mary's 21st birthday.
I was in school and teaching and Mary took a job until our first son Doug was born one year and one week after our marriage. We had numerous problems and much maturing to do, but our love for one another continued to grow.
In the spring and summer of 1957 we spent six months in El Paso, Texas on military active duty. This was a time of special bonding for the two of us. It was a second honeymoon as our focus was on one another with little outside interference. We learned to rely on each other and to appreciate each others good qualities and to accept or ignore those qualities that were less desirable.
We returned to Utah State after fulfilling our military obligation so that I could work on a master's degree in Physical Chemistry and Mary could take care of our son, our home and prepare for our second child due in December 1957. It was during these two years that the virtue of true love manifested itself through Mary. Her trust in, support for and encouragement to me were not only appreciated but were absolutely essential to my success in obtaining my education and my degrees. She believed in me, she has always believed in me. What greater act of love could any man possibly ask from his lady?
One of the most memorable examples of Mary's belief in me occurred about a year after our daughter Susan was born. It was late 1958 and I had finished my research and had carefully written, typed and proudly presented the first draft of my thesis to Dr. Bauer, my research director. A few days later he returned the thesis draft. It was so covered with red marks that it appeared that he had slit his wrist and bled all over the thesis. I was devastated and arrived home in tears, but Mary's belief in me brought comfort, encouragement and finally resolve. Six or eight drafts later my thesis was complete and I had taken a major step in learning how to write.
It was Mary's belief in me, her trust that I would be successful, that motivated me and gave me the confidence necessary to seek and receive a PhD in physics from BYU in 1963. The years at USU and BYU were marvelous years as we teamed together to resolve problems and build our love and commitment. We also expanded our family by adding a daughter Lori and a son Todd.
Interviewing for jobs in 1962 and 1963 lead to employment at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in Livermore, California. Livermore was to be our home for the next 30 years. Our son Troy was born in 1964 and we filled in our half-dozen with the birth of our son Rick in l967. It was in California at the Oakland Temple that Mary and I were married and had our children sealed to us. Our second marriage was performed 20 years to the day after our Las Vegas marriage. It is this second marriage that provides hope for the eternal bonding of our family. Mary continued to encourage and support me in my career and in every other useful aspect of my life. She was and continues to be my beacon through troubled waters, my anchor when I might lose my way and my inspiration to be the best I can be at any worthwhile goal.
Mary was an outstanding mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. Those she has mothered have always known that she loved them and that she would do anything for them that wasn't harmful. One of Mary's favorite parables was the parable of the Good Samaritan. Her approach to life was modeled after the message of that parable. She has always provided a sympathetic ear and/or helpful hand to those in distress. It didn't matter whether she knew them or not. She not only exercised love to me and to our posterity but she was and I am certain continues to be a near-perfect example of a person who follows God's second great commandment.
Our life together in mortality covered 47 plus years. We enjoyed many wonderful vistas as we built our bond of love, as we experienced the power of love as it exists between a man and a woman. This process was mysterious and magical and not completely understandable, but it was worth it. I often wish that we had done a better job, but I believe we did the best we could subject to our own individual limitations.
Mary has always said that it was commitment or being too bull-headed to quit that kept us together. But I've come to realize that true love has many facets and one of those is commitment. I have learned through our experiences that marriage is mainly problem solving and that this mysterious power of love that exists between a man and his woman provides the resolve that allows success in marriage.
Mary's other famous saying was that she couldn't understand how two people who were so different could possibly stay together. I kept telling her that I was a man and she was a woman and that we complemented one another; that her strengths and my strengths blended together to make a team that was much stronger than either one of us would be individually. She knew that and always made me feel like her man and I hope that she always felt like she was my lady. Once we had our first child she never again worked outside of the home. But every degree obtained and every paycheck cashed was as much her responsibility as it was mine. Our accomplishments were always the result of a team effort.
Mary and I had many difficult times. There were fits of anger, we were selfish and we were even mean to each other at times; we showed a lot of immaturity even in our later years. It seems that the acceptance aspect of the love between a man and his woman is the most difficult trait to master. Apparently the natural man likes to exercise control even though there is little or no chance for success. So we busy ourselves trying to change our mate rather than accepting them. In spite of these difficulties, there was and continues to be a stronger force that binds the two of us together. That force manifests itself through the power of love. This power of love began as a hormone rush due to kisses that were sweeter than honey, but as time went on there was absolute trust, support, encouragement, commitment and most of the time acceptance. These ingredients provided the magic that we call the power of love. My commitment now is to live the rest of my mortal life in a way that will allow me to join Mary; in other words to live according to the expectations that she always had for me. And when that day comes, when I too leave mortality, my faith is such that my hope for a cleansing of the anger, selfishness, meanness and immaturity will be realized and the two of us will be able to enjoy the power of love in its perfect form eternally.
Writing the Power of Love has motivated me to consider the many faces of the word love. The hierarchy of love is the love of God, the love between a man and his woman, the love of ones children and the love of fellowmen. There are other uses of the word love but these four are the ones I wish to consider.
Love of God develops in a different way than the other forms of love. The love of God grows as we embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ and grow closer to Him through our obedience to His commandments; as we seek His help with a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and as we exercise faith, hope and charity in carrying out our earthly stewardship.
Each of the other forms of love is a gift from God. These forms of love develop through mortal interactions coupled with a divine gift. Each is maximized as we develop Christ like qualities and approach the ultimate divine gift of the pure love of Christ or charity.
The love between a man and a woman is a gift and if accepted in righteousness is a form of God given power which I call the the Power of Love. This Power of Love that exists between a man and his woman is Christ like love plus something more, something special. Implicit in the word power is a force or a bonding. Initially this bond manifests itself as a hormone rush but as time goes on the bonding is enhanced as Christ like attributes are employed in a righteous relationship. Faith exercised with the hope of better days.
Christ like love in its perfected state is the pure love of Christ or charity. Now charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things and this love endureth forever.
The Power of Love is special because it is the bonding that creates the family unit and provides the basis for an eternal companionship and all of the other blessings associated with a Celestial or Eternal Marriage.
The love of one's children is associated with the divine gift which each child represents and with the service that is required in raising them and preparing them for adulthood. This bonding and the bonding of grandchildren are a special form of family related love.
The love of fellowmen is fulfillment of the second great commandment. This form of love was illustrated by Christ in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. You learn to love those you serve, provided the service rendered is unselfish. This type of service becomes a way of life as one employs more and more of the attributes described in the definition of charity.